'I dont know why I'm here either' [Percy]

Notes: Jazzy keeps finding more consequences of alcohol abuse.



Percy had been recovering. But, the news Lilith had been feeding him was halting Percy's determination to heal. Nick had given him a taste of alcohol after so long without it, but rather than give him relief, it had given him nothing but pain. Lilith had diagnosed the problem. Percy's body was permanently damaged from the excessive drinking and alcohol poisoning he'd put himself through. His liver was too damaged to stop the toxins in alcohol from affecting him, and even too weak to help him digest food properly. It had got excessively worse as more symptoms showed up. He began to feel exhausted all over again, or feverish and confused. Percy barely felt like eating either, only having what Lilith or any of the other healers told him to have. These symptoms would calm down, they'd not be so acute and horrible once Percy was rested enough, or at least that was what everyone was trying to reassure him with. All Percy knew was that this new issue was keeping him stuck in a bed, morale practically destroyed now that he felt awful again, and his will to get better slowly diminishing. He was in darkness, tucked in to attempt some rest. Just as he'd drifted off, someone knocked at the door. Percy groaned out of sleep, looking around the blur of his current vision, and crawling himself up the bed to half-sit. Light filtered into the room from the opened door, until it faded off again. He was still basically blind, so all Percy could see was a blur standing before him, trying to make out who it was whilst also trying to wake up.

He was made very awake by the voice. Percy probably turned more pale than he already was, and swallowed hard. "I-I..." Percy rasped, clearing his throat. "Th... Thank you." Percy ended up saying, finding little words come to him knowing who was here. Nanari could probably see for herself an answer that Percy had honestly already forgotten to give her.  

To be honest, Nanari would have been the only reason Percy wanted his sight restored. He'd figure, if he wanted to see again for anyone, it would be for Nanari. Just to see her properly again. He didn't think like that anymore though, probably didn't deserve to see the true Nanari, and not just a blur of her. He didn't dare think about her expression, if she was standing here scared, or forcing a smile when she really wanted to glare. He nodded slowly, chuckling with a raspy breath, and stared off at nothing. Gods he must look pathetic, just a ghost of a person. Unable to see, unable to focus, barely able to keep himself living. "It.... it's alright. I respect that. I'd honestly... not expected you to... care at all." Percy replied, blinking a few times, lifting a trembling hand to rub at his eyes to try and wake himself up. Percy didn't smile, but he felt the bitter temptation to sadly smile at Nanari's question. Everyone asked how Percy was mentally. Because, well, if there was one thing the Prince was known for, it was his lack of controlling his own mind, or understanding emotions. He'd admit, they were all right to ask and worry about his mental health. Through the struggle of recover, then more pain, then an even slower recovery, the window on the far wall looked tempting from time to time. Especially when Percy knew the castle was flying up high. Parts of his state he'd open up and explain, other parts, Percy was more than happy to keep locked away. He took a deep breath, still decidedly looking at nothing in particular. "I... I can hardly remember myself. Now that I'm not... there, anymore, I have the headaches back. The screaming memories of others, new ones formed from the destruction I- my powers made. And now, I'm sick, and malnourished to the point where I wake up dizzy and confused and it becomes impossible to catalogue what memories are mine and what aren't. Some days I wake up, with no recollection of the boy named Percy at all. It comes back in an hour or so... but it's still horrible." He took a deep breath, but it shuddered as Percy fought off a whimper. "The only thing I used to have was the mind-numbing sensation of alcohol. But, turns out all I've ever done to run from this pain is now killing me."

Funnily enough, Percy had no trouble recalling that memory. Even when he didn't even know his own name, he could still feel the sickening feeling in his soul over what he'd done. He'd seen memories of people doing much worse, far far worse than what Percy had done. But, they didn't matter, they didn't do it to Nanari of all people. He frowned a little. Did Nanari ever warn him about his drinking? He remembered that she hated seeing him drunk, apparent by how many times she'd sobered him up. But, he couldn't remember her ever warning him of how poisonous it would be. But, then again, with how much Percy had drunk the night of his capture, it would have been a miracle to turn out unscathed. Drinking the most deadly poison known would probably be a close second to what Percival had done to himself that night. Stupidity, it was all down to his own stupidity, and his own lack of strength to deal with what at the time was causing him so much distress. What was he even upset about back then? Finding his real father, dealing with the reality of being known as a prince, being more or less betrayed by his parents? They seemed like such petty reasons to get so drunk and so out of control now, now that he'd dealt with much worse. Nanari's words weren't helping, she sounded bitter. In her defence, she did try to sound calm, but the words carried so much spite they almost made Percy curl into himself to try and hide. Gods, she hated him so much. It didn't take a genius to sense that kind of feeling in her tone. He shook his head slowly, "The damage is done." Percy replied, "Whatever could be healed is healed, anything now is permanent. It can't be fixed, unless Lilith finds me a new liver... something she's apparently looking for." He thought about Lilith for only a moment. How she refused to show worry, only optimism and encouragement. They'd helped a little, although clearly not enough. 
With plenty of silence cutting between them, Percy suddenly took a deep breath, his useless eyes looking over towards the window. "N... Nanari..." Percy began, feeling a little sick and nervous to even say her name, "If I told you, that the window over there is very tempting right now, what would you do?"

Percy had believed many things. Back when he was mostly alone, running from tavern to tavern to get drunk and forget life. He'd believed everyone had the ability to sin, that at one point in their life, they would. No matter how kind, everyone sinned. This woman before him had been an exception. Because, despite slipping and giving away Percy's secret, she'd done so to save his life. Like many things, she'd done to save Percy's life. He'd realised it trapped in that horrible place, and felt so sick of himself to know he'd barely ever thanked her for it. But right now... right now Percy's thoughts just shattered, and he honestly took a while to take another breath from the shock of her statement. "What..." He mumbled, having to stop to swallow. "What... did I do to earn that?" He asked, shaking his head a little. He'd felt sad, felt horrible for knowing how much Nanari probably hated him now. But, to hate him to the point of not caring at all if he decided to die? No, that was way too far from the Nanari that Percy had thought he'd broken to be real. "Have I not suffered enough? Having my power ripped from me? Hung up for... for gods knows how long. Being tortured constantly? Losing my sight? Losing my strength, my mind? I know I hurt you, every waking moment I remember what I did and I curse myself for it, and I know what a vile person I am. But you? Nanari.... you're not suppose to be that kind of person." There, he said it, what he really felt in this sudden moment between them. He didn't hate Nanari, he loved her. But, this was not Nanari. "Despite all that has happened to punish me for... for what I did. Is it not enough? I jump out of that window and die, and you'd still not do anything to stop it, or to care at all?" Percy had to swallow again, his throat as dry as stone at this point, but he needed to do something to stop himself just outright sobbing or looking even more pathetic. "I've spent so long... so long in that hell, just thinking on what I'd do to earn Nanari's forgiveness. Even in this damn bed, I've thought about it. I can't do that to someone who isn't Nanari anymore." Percy admitted, taking a deep breath. He slowly straightened up his expression to look more neutral, glancing blindly over to where Nanari was. "I'd ask you what your purpose of coming here even was... But I don't have the strength to ask anymore."